Diary of an ordinary woman's affairs

Life is what you make it.

3 men in 48 hours

This is a tale of three men each visited by me during a 48 hour period of time.

The unexpected surprise.

People we meet and interact with occasionally, the people we see every once in a while when our paths cross.  This was the unexpected surprise.

I expected to have a night of drinks, smokes, and intellectual conversations.  I expected the morning after would be semi-hell due to not sleeping more than a few hours.  You see I had been down this road before minus the unexpected.

Conversations went far into the night in fact the sun had come up.  I had no idea this guy wanted to get it on, wish I had, we could have gotten some sleep (we’re getting too old for this 20 year old acting like we’re in college shit).

He finally made a move and backed off, the I said the magic words, “my husband gets with an ex-girlfriend a few times a year.”  He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into him.  We started to kiss.  And then we fucked more than once.

A few hours later, we parted back to our respective lives.

The hang-over friend.

The ever faithful friend, he said I looked like hell.  Honesty, always a good policy.  LOL  The hang-over friend got the zombified me hung-over on 1 hour of sleep.  And he took care of me in more than the obvious ways.

The husband.

Since I had been away from home for days, it was his turn and I was fucking horny!  Nope, I didn’t get enough and all of it was multi-orgasmic  and fantastic.  I took a hot bath and came out wet, smooth, and hot.  We made love and went to sleep.  And he was none the wiser of my indiscretions of drinking too much, smoking, or that there were two others just a day prior to him.

Written February 5, 2017

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To do or not to do, a younger man…

The opportunity to hookup with a much, much younger man has presented itself.   The age of said man is in his early 30s.   I am not sure if I what to try him out.  A part of me does and another part of me does not.  I haven’t had a fling with someone new in quite a few years.  There is definitely the appealing excitement in that.

A new fling brings new sensuality.  Steamy passionate kisses, eagerness to explore, the warm touch of skin on skin, and many more really hot ideas.  However, the younger man has never done it for me in the past.

About 10 years ago, I experimented briefly with younger men.  I’m not talking seriously younger, only within five years younger of myself in my 30s at that time.  I found them to be selfish and inexperienced in the sack.  I refused to engage with younger men after that for any purpose of a hookup.  As I’ve stated before, if it isn’t great sex, it isn’t worth my time.

I have to wonder if this one is selfish or inexperienced.  I’m going to guess inexperienced as I know more about the person than I’m going to elaborate on, but perhaps mature enough to be schooled in a female’s desire to orgasm.  I might be pleasantly surprised, if I let it go that far.

I really can’t skirt around the bush, so to speak, if I want to get it on.  I will have to be direct and accept rejection, if I am rejected.  It is much more difficult to read between the lines of texts than it is to read a person’s face.  I wish I could tell him I am super impatient about our date this weekend and would go hang out now!

Sometimes sad things happen

About eight years of friendship via email has vanished over night.  The email account of a  confidant is just gone.  We email about weekly-ish, so last week fine and this week poof!

“554 delivery error: dd Sorry, your message to email@email.com cannot be delivered. This mailbox is disabled (554.30).”

This cowgirl is very sad her cowboy disappeared.

What happens at Conference, Stays at Conference

As I walked down the hallway with a colleague at the conference hotel, a man and a woman come out of a room and she was saying, “what happens at conference, stays at conference.”  I smirked to myself.  The military likely coined this “what goes TDY, stays TDY”.

I pause to beg the question, “who’s fucking who?”  I’ve asked that before and in that moment had an epiphany of reality.  I really am beginning to think everyone is fucking everyone and no one is talking about it.

What I already know is the ideal marriage where the man and wife are 100% committed to monogamy is some puritan view of social norms pushed down our throats in America.  Yet, the overwhelming majority whether they are liberal or conservative are buying into this ridiculous institution of forever one marriage and guilt laden if or when it doesn’t work out.

As my husband I discussed this he said most people are possessive and don’t want to share.  I asked is this learned behavior or do you think it is innate behavior?  He suggested it is innate human nature.  Interesting, does that mean he and I have learned behavior of non-possessiveness?

I tended to think men thought like my husband; today, I found out I am wrong.  He told me other men questioned him “why did you let her (fill in the blank) …?”  Really?  I can’t imagine a man telling me I couldn’t do something.  He can’t imagine telling me I couldn’t either. LOL  He is not my owner, he is my spouse and my supporter.  We are a collaborative team, not a dictatorship.

 

Freedom

The day I finally, truly, decided to quit my job was the most freeing day of my life.  I had been stuck at a job I did not like.  I kept thinking when I have more side income coming in, when I save more, always a reason to put off what I wanted to do.

A work anniversary came around a few weeks ago and I was extremely grumpy.  It irritated me that I was no further in the process of leaving.   I decided I would save, planned out the savings road map, and I would quit in four months.

The deadline set four months away did calm my irritation, but only by a little.   I kept looking at my finances and kept thinking I want this now, now is the time, four months from now is too late.  Life is short and I’m wasting my time here at this stupid job.

Recently, my father delivered some bad news about his health.   It has rocked my world upside-down.  Perspective is important, life is too short.

Don’t stay in the job that makes you unhappy.  Make the alternatives happen!

I am putting my notice in to my employer after I take my last vacation days this week.

I am ready to live a present life!

Boredom

As I sit here at work and wonder why I’m just not into it, I realize I’m bored.  Then I think of the line from “The Notebook”.

“You’re bored.  You’re bored and you know it.  And you wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something missing.”

“What do you want?”  Such as easy question, but there is no easy answer, or is there?

Why am I here blogging while at work?  Well, I’m bored.  Why am I at work?  Money, easy money.  I sit here, do a little work, do nothing, watch a movie, think about all the things I need to do when I get home, and I get paid.  I get paid very well for doing nothing that challenges me.

What do I want?  Time.  I want  time to do what I need to do and want to do.  Then I want energy to do them.

Fame and fortune will never be mine.  The dream of being something more than I am just isn’t going to happen for me.  I’m too old and too tired.  Deep down I do not want it badly enough to sacrifice more of my life’s time to it.

Time is limited on this earth.   I can sit here 8 hours a day, collect my pay check and benefits, go home and live.  Or I could abandon easy and spend 60 – 80 hours a week driving myself to sheer exhaustion going after lofty goals.  I would sacrifice family and self.  Not worth it.

I will be content with boredom.

Just a little music

Don’t think about all those things you fear.  Just be glad to be here.

The one thing holding us back from what we want in life is fear.  Fear it won’t work out.  Fear we will be disappointed.  Fear we might get hurt.  Fear of rejection.  This is true whether it is a relationship or a job.

This hypnotic chant echoes in my head, don’t think about all those things that could go wrong or might not work out.  Just be in the moment.

What do you say?

What does one say to someone who has indicated they don’t want communication with you?

Let me flip that as I have blocked people in my life because I didn’t want their drama in my life.  I didn’t want their negativity.  I didn’t want to deal with the pain they caused my children.  I don’t need friends like that.

I still do not want to hear from them. I could careless if those individuals fell off the face of the earth.  However, those whom I’m speaking of hurt me or my children and used me and my kindheartedness.

I was even cowardly and blocked them as to not see their messages to me and to just be left in peace.

SOOOO….

Why would someone not want to communicate with me???  I wasn’t mean.  I wasn’t rude.  I wasn’t needy.  I wasn’t intrusive.  I don’t have drama.  I just wanted to be in communication.

There is nothing to say I suppose.  Nothing that would make a difference at this point in time.  Maybe later, but doubtful.

….

Estoy cansado de quererte y esperar
No me queda más remedio que olvidar
Escuche, aprendí a entender tu silencio
Que hasta ese momento, no dolió
Y la noche sentí que te fuiste muy lejos
Esa herida en el pecho hasta ahora no cerró
Y las horas sin tenerte me condenan
A vivir pensando en ti mientras tú no llegas
….

Finding Your Way (part 2)

How do you answer the questions?  What do you want?  What is it that you really would like to do?  What is the work you can’t not do?

If it were easy, there would not be a bizzillion blogs about it, or even self-help gurus taking your money to tell you how to answer it with a bunch more questions you can’t answer.

I used to think I was one of the lucky ones because my work was my passion.  I’m not sure if that is still true or not.  Not because what I do is not my passion, but because everything around me tells me no one’s work is automatically their passion.

When asked, “Why are you doing the work you are doing?”  I think my answer is rather textbook, well, I’m good at it.  I happen to like it for the most part.  Are those answers not good enough?

I have a hobby that I love, but I have often envisioned what would life be like if my hobby was my 9-5 job and that vision is one where I no longer get enjoyment from my hobby.  My hobby is my happy place, it’s what I do after a long week of tough work.

All these self-help gurus seem to think you can make your passion your career.  Is a hobby a passion?

But what if I figured this out a long time ago?  Maybe I have just forgotten to remember my why.

Finding Your Way (part 1)

High powered, high stress careers come crashing down everyday, I was not immune.  I lost my job, my career, my second home, the place I lived awake more hours than my own home.  The stresses were astronomically high as I transitioned out of the position trying to get enough of the job done with little time and little help.   I was feeling really fortunate that I had another job so quickly lined up.  And the day came where I was to begin, I arrived on the scene ready, or so I thought, for this new job.  I left with dread, I could not do this, I could not find the words, but I just felt dread.  I quit the next day.   I was not ready to move on, to move forward, to accept the change.

I’m not sure I was operating with all my faculties.  I had near zero savings and no income other than the few hundred dollars unemployment provided which didn’t cover my bills, let alone anything else.    But there I was, jobless, clueless, and struggling emotionally.

People tried to help.  I had friends ask me “what would you really like to be doing?”  I had my husband laying out my life for me and telling me what he thinks I love doing and how to do it.  I reached out on the internet to see what soul searching advice I could find.  I found similar questions I had no answers for. “What is the work you can’t not do?”

It’s like in the movie “The Notebook”, Noah and Allie are arguing and he yells at her  “What do you want? Just tell me what you want.”  Why is it so hard to answer that?

Jobs are definitely like relationships…