Lovers

by notsoon4gotten

Lovers come and lovers go, it just seems to be that way.

I was never a habitual dater.  I dated long term and had 3 relationships total in high school.  In college, I gave up really looking for a suitable mate to date and sure enough met my husband when I wasn’t looking.

It seems that society supports a dating culture, date to be dating.  Boys and girls in school get their hearts broken repeatedly and the cycle continues into adulthood.  It precludes the divorce culture we live in.  Society as a whole marries like they date, here today, gone tomorrow.  When I entered into the world of married dating, I was still thinking back to my dating experiences which were long term.   I was selective and chose wisely, or so I thought.

Guess what?  Married dating culture is the same as society, date to be dating, date to get that “lay”, date long enough for the “lay” and leave, etc.

I’ve had a few lovers over the years.  It was never my intent to have more than one, I only wanted one long term.   However, it hasn’t turned out as I had thought.  It has evolved.   Of my lovers only one left on his own accord, the others I left.   I left for a variety of reasons.

As a married woman I am risking a lot to be with someone.   Whomever I am with has to be worth these risks.   The person must understand that I am married and have no intention of leaving my husband or family.  A potential lover or existing lover who becomes clingy, emotionally needy, or states his desires are for more than extra-marital fun; he’s out.  He has to go.  It’s too risky and too much work!   It’s no longer fun either, it’s stress.  Stress I do not need.  I’d rather have no lover than to deal with a man who does not understand the rules.

Additionally, he has to be respectful of me and my commitments.   Lovers always come after family and jobs, if a lover has a problem with this or wants to be first; he can’t stay.

Sex is very important, I can have sex at home.   So, a lover has to be a very good lover, awesome lovers are hard to come by.  I have left potential long term lovers because they were bad in bed, okay, down right awful.  Chat can be alluring and fantastic, then the reality turns out to be a fizzle.

There is boredom.  Boredom likely brings many into the married dating scene.  It is the same boredom that causes lovers to part.  Lovers that become like a married couple are more susceptible to the boredom factor breaking them up.  It’s easier to leave a lover than a spouse and family, one would hope.

Lastly, there is money, yes, money.  In order to have privacy and intimate encounters with a lover, one must have the funds to spend on motels / hotels.  The costs are best shared between the two involved so that one person is not always holding the responsibility.  If there are no funds to meet privately an affair becomes difficult.  Vehicles are only private until someone you know sees you where you are not supposed to be with someone you are not supposed to be with.  Lets not forget the police can approach a parked vehicle, then where does that leave you?

It is difficult to end a relationship.  I’ve shared years of my life with lovers, but sometimes you have to let them go for the better of both involved.   Potential lovers that just didn’t work out are easy to let go.  It’s the ones who you’ve invested a lot of time into that are harder to let go.

When you share so much of your life with someone, there is a type of love and bond between the both of you.  It isn’t the same love as the love of my husband.  Perhaps its an infatuation love or perhaps a love of the idea of love.  I do not believe we can as human beings be connected to someone intimately over a period of time and not have feelings for them.

I had a lover whom I shared 3 years of my life with.   It was a 3 year battle of ups and downs.  I knew he wanted more, I knew I should have let it end a long time ago and finally, I had just had enough.   I don’t love him any less, I just cannot  give him me, how he wants me.  My life had also changed giving me less time to give to him.

Life moves on and when one door is shut another will open, especially if you are looking!

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