Diary of an ordinary woman's affairs

Life is what you make it.

Month: October, 2013

Burning candles at both ends

I dare say I’m burning candles at both end.  I’m feeling the lack of sleep, lack of real relaxation, lack of balance, etc.  I’m tired all the time.  Yesterday, I even thought I might be getting sick, because I was just so cold and could not shake the cold.  I literally cannot remember what I did last week in my job to follow up this week.  My lack of memory is worrisome, yet all I can do is move forward in each day.  I try to take notes, but I forget where I wrote something down!!!

Yeah, I’m that tired.

The Best I Ever Had

Saying good-bye to the best I ever had…

It’s been many months since our last rendezvous.  I think it was early June and now it’s October.   It seems your life got in the way and has no place for me.   As the chatting waned I would tell myself I was okay, then it would pick back up.  You would indicate you were still interested, we would set a date and then you would cancel.  Every time something would come up, I feel I was being played the fool.

This morning I looked at our chat log, it’s been days since we exchanged convo.  Your photo sits there to the right of my last message with no reply, not even read from three days ago.  I said, “good-bye, name.”  I surprised myself with tears in my eyes.  It is in the moment, I knew, I had to be done.  I was saying good-bye for me.

You might have been the best I’ve ever had and I will surely miss the opportunity to experience what you offer; but it’s obvious to me that you are not interested in keeping what I thought was a good thing going.  Life gets in the way, it always does.

I do not leave this relationship empty handed.  You taught me how to achieve release like never before; without seeing you for months, I had lots of time to practice on my own.  I had lots of time to appreciate, while not the best I’ve ever had, the best my spouse has to offer.

(A first person narrative, the intended receiver may never read.)

Theme song: Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon

But, it’s not so bad; You’re only the best I ever had

And, it may take some time to patch me up inside.

Reflections

I have been thinking about things I’ve learned through a course I took in grad school. The professor died at a relatively young age a few years ago, but he did leave a lasting impression. An impression that changed what I thought of him as a professor and what I learned.

The first day of class I thought great a liberal Obama lover. He hadn’t been elected yet, I wonder what he would think now, that aside; the professor asked us to write our “epitaph”. I had to look up the word!

He went on to talk about what was the legacy we wanted to be remembered for. I think he talked about how little our career accomplishments would matter in the end.

I wrote “loving wife and mother”. I can see in my mind what I wrote, but for the life of me I do not have that paper.

If my legacy is to be a loving wife and mother, why am I working so hard and long at being a good professor???

As of late, I find myself away from my family most evenings trying to get ahead in professorship, trying to expand academic scholarship. To what end? And at what cost?

The cost is to my family. I’m not one to give up on a career I love, but I must find balance to be that present and loving mother, the wife part I’m doing okay at.

So, tonight’s class at the university were I attended grad school and teach part-time, I’ve decided to slow down and not feel pushed and panicked I’m not getting the job done.

My goal had always been to make my course fun, enjoyable, and create a positive atmosphere. Last night where I regularly teach, I had fun, students were laughing, it was filled with antics and learning. I thought, I’m missing this in my other courses because I’m stressing too much about them. I’ve lost that purpose and its creating an unhappy set of students.

Tonight, I’m going back to what I do best, creating a place learning happens and it’s fun to be there, not a drag. It happens so intuitively and naturally in my course that I’ve taught for years now. I’m comfortable in the material and that is making the biggest difference.

The material is no different in tonight’s class, but the timeline is tighter and I’ve been feeling pushed. No more, we will get done what gets done and the rest; I’m sorry, I won’t get to, but it will be okay. The next course covers most of the end of this course in more detail.

Dr. S, may you rest in peace and thank you for reminding me what really matters. I hope you look down at the university and take pride in what you see.