Diary of an ordinary woman's affairs

Life is what you make it.

Category: Uncategorized

Just a little music

Don’t think about all those things you fear.  Just be glad to be here.

The one thing holding us back from what we want in life is fear.  Fear it won’t work out.  Fear we will be disappointed.  Fear we might get hurt.  Fear of rejection.  This is true whether it is a relationship or a job.

This hypnotic chant echoes in my head, don’t think about all those things that could go wrong or might not work out.  Just be in the moment.

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What do you say?

What does one say to someone who has indicated they don’t want communication with you?

Let me flip that as I have blocked people in my life because I didn’t want their drama in my life.  I didn’t want their negativity.  I didn’t want to deal with the pain they caused my children.  I don’t need friends like that.

I still do not want to hear from them. I could careless if those individuals fell off the face of the earth.  However, those whom I’m speaking of hurt me or my children and used me and my kindheartedness.

I was even cowardly and blocked them as to not see their messages to me and to just be left in peace.

SOOOO….

Why would someone not want to communicate with me???  I wasn’t mean.  I wasn’t rude.  I wasn’t needy.  I wasn’t intrusive.  I don’t have drama.  I just wanted to be in communication.

There is nothing to say I suppose.  Nothing that would make a difference at this point in time.  Maybe later, but doubtful.

….

Estoy cansado de quererte y esperar
No me queda más remedio que olvidar
Escuche, aprendí a entender tu silencio
Que hasta ese momento, no dolió
Y la noche sentí que te fuiste muy lejos
Esa herida en el pecho hasta ahora no cerró
Y las horas sin tenerte me condenan
A vivir pensando en ti mientras tú no llegas
….

Finding Your Way (part 2)

How do you answer the questions?  What do you want?  What is it that you really would like to do?  What is the work you can’t not do?

If it were easy, there would not be a bizzillion blogs about it, or even self-help gurus taking your money to tell you how to answer it with a bunch more questions you can’t answer.

I used to think I was one of the lucky ones because my work was my passion.  I’m not sure if that is still true or not.  Not because what I do is not my passion, but because everything around me tells me no one’s work is automatically their passion.

When asked, “Why are you doing the work you are doing?”  I think my answer is rather textbook, well, I’m good at it.  I happen to like it for the most part.  Are those answers not good enough?

I have a hobby that I love, but I have often envisioned what would life be like if my hobby was my 9-5 job and that vision is one where I no longer get enjoyment from my hobby.  My hobby is my happy place, it’s what I do after a long week of tough work.

All these self-help gurus seem to think you can make your passion your career.  Is a hobby a passion?

But what if I figured this out a long time ago?  Maybe I have just forgotten to remember my why.

Finding Your Way (part 1)

High powered, high stress careers come crashing down everyday, I was not immune.  I lost my job, my career, my second home, the place I lived awake more hours than my own home.  The stresses were astronomically high as I transitioned out of the position trying to get enough of the job done with little time and little help.   I was feeling really fortunate that I had another job so quickly lined up.  And the day came where I was to begin, I arrived on the scene ready, or so I thought, for this new job.  I left with dread, I could not do this, I could not find the words, but I just felt dread.  I quit the next day.   I was not ready to move on, to move forward, to accept the change.

I’m not sure I was operating with all my faculties.  I had near zero savings and no income other than the few hundred dollars unemployment provided which didn’t cover my bills, let alone anything else.    But there I was, jobless, clueless, and struggling emotionally.

People tried to help.  I had friends ask me “what would you really like to be doing?”  I had my husband laying out my life for me and telling me what he thinks I love doing and how to do it.  I reached out on the internet to see what soul searching advice I could find.  I found similar questions I had no answers for. “What is the work you can’t not do?”

It’s like in the movie “The Notebook”, Noah and Allie are arguing and he yells at her  “What do you want? Just tell me what you want.”  Why is it so hard to answer that?

Jobs are definitely like relationships…

Great Lovers

“I don’t have one night stands, I hold auditions…  And you didn’t get a callback.”
I think you’ve seen the quote on a meme.  You either think that is how sluts sleep at night or your think damn that’s a little harsh.  The fact is you can’t waste time on something not worthy of your time.  Just like running a business, you don’t hire and train people who you know are not going to work out.

I have interviews first, these are usually weeks to months to years long.   I devote a bit of time to these interviews, however, I feel it is important for me.  I don’t want to feel like a slut, I don’t want to sleep with every Tom, Dick, or Harry out there.  I’m choosey and have guidelines and purpose.   If a man makes it past the interview, then I hold auditions.  If a man then passes the audition, it’s generally because he has risen above the last great lover or shows extremely positive potential of pleasure giving.  I have no shame in saying, if it isn’t any good, it isn’t worth my time or effort.  Life is short and one must live it as they see fit.  As an extracurricular, a lover has to be worth me not being with my family for a few hours.

So what makes a great lover?  One upping the prior lover helps, but the man doesn’t know what he’s up against.  It is a little unfair in a way.   I think the feeling goes both ways male and female.  I think to myself, I hope I measure up or I hope I am able to be as pleasurable to him as he is to me.  The long interviews will weed out the self-centered, in it for only themselves, assholes; generally speaking.  And the longer interviews help build an understanding of expectations.  BUT…  It’s still an audition for both the guy and the girl!

Let’s be blunt, roughly the average man has a 5 1/2 inches penis that is about as thick as your longest finger to your thumb touching the tips (1 1/2 inches flat measurement).   Roughly the average woman’s vaginal vault is 3-4 inches, but can be 6-7 inches when in a state of arousal.  Women who chart using “Take Charge of Your Fertility” know the cervix rises and falls within their cycle, so 3 1/2″ to 5″ is where I personally am at (make a mental note of this).

When it comes to impressing a woman, men seem to think bigger is better or seem to think women think this.  I’ve heard size matters, within the context of bigger is better.  And when I say size is not what matters, I’ve been told that’s because I haven’t had the best! As if that is a solid come on line or a way to put a prior lover down.  I will say perhaps I was saying what I meant incorrectly.  Size does matter, but not in the way you may be accustomed to thinking

I have been with long and skinny, long and thick, the medium length with thickness I can’t lick (would not fit in my mouth for a blow job).  I’ve been with so long, it doesn’t all go in even at my highest arousal state of my cycle.  I’ve been with lengths of 4″ (maybe even less), 4 1/2″, 5″, 5 1/2″ 6″ 8″, 10″.  I’ve been with cut and uncut, curvy, not curvy…  Of all the lovers, the 4″-5″ length with average thickness have been the best bang, fuck, lay, cum.  What?  That’s right, the best fucks have been between 4″-5″ in length with average thickness.  And here you thought you had to have a great big penis to be a great lover, wrong!

For a great lover to be great, first it’s physiology, a great lover comes down to science.  Surprise!  Did you expect any other explanation from an analytical woman??? I believe you have to find the right fit.  Each of us are different.  The average is just a range and there are those on either extreme ends both male and female.

As a woman,  I feel thick is where I’m the pickiest.  I will say thickness can be too thick and can be too thin, ha!  That’s helpful!   I’ve had so thick it was painful and distracted the feelings inside due to the stretch on the outside (mind you I have had, without tearing, 9lb babies).   Too thick was Not a great lover.   I’ve had the long and slender with a nice up curve, looked beautiful; probably the most beautiful penis I have seen to this day.  However, a terrible lover, hard to feel, never went in to the base because of the length, so I never experienced that bang of base to mons where the clit gets a little hit.   I’ve had the average 5 1/2 length with a rather less than average slenderness, horrible lover.  Aside from the physiological lack of fit; they lacked love making skills.  Each of these penises owner’s felt their penis was where it was at.  Gentleman, it is not in the penis size.

Great lovers have to have skills!  If you have a great penis fit with your lover, you might get the great lover status with only 1 other skill.  Are you familiar with “4 Hour Body”?  There is a chapter in there every straight male wishing to pleasure a woman needs to read.  I guarantee that if you have that 1 skill and a penis that fits the physiological needs of your woman, you will have great lover status.

Generally speaking, I find older men to be better lovers, but the horrible lovers I’ve had have been 99% older, 40+ up to 50 years old.  Every younger lover I have had, which amounts to two who didn’t make it past audition 2, shame on me for thinking there was potential, failed to be a giver.  They simply thought their dick was enough.  Sorry boys, dick alone will not keep an older woman, we have trained and experienced men that even just have penetration sex better and while that falls short in being a great lover; it’s leaps and bounds above the younger male (don’t worry, you just need time to mature).

In order to one up the prior lover, you will need more than 1 toe curling skill set, 1 skill beyond penetration gets you the second audition.  And I highly encourage the under 40 male explore acquiring the necessary skill sets to really keep his lover satisfactorily fucked.

Most recently, I had the opportunity to have that second audition.  I was one well satisfactorily fucked woman.   This 2nd audition lover already had 2 skill sets, which I experienced months back and really enjoyed.  He one upped himself by  adding in skill set 3 and 4 and 5.  Okay, maybe not that many, nope it was at least 5 fabulous love making skill sets.  If you read my blog, you will note that the Best I Ever Had was quite the great lover for me.  I hate to discredit that lover as he taught me how to get more out of love making and how to achieve immense pleasure; so I won’t.  If it were not for him, well, I wouldn’t have been able to have the experience I had with my new fabulous lover.

As long as I’m sharing, I will lay those skills out.  #1 loves oral and is very good at it, in fact the best oral I’ve had to date.  Any man who can make a woman squirt with oral is a keeper.  (oral is also the one area my husband simply does not enjoy doing, so why force him to?)  #2  goes with #1 and #3 g-spot aware and knows how to hit it during oral and during penetration.  #3 penetration skills, I could feel him in and out.  Hard to explain, but he knew exactly what angle to use and how to really curl my toes! #4 stamina, penetration for a long ass time, but since it felt so good how he was doing it, I didn’t mind one bit.  I was so creamy, it was gloriously erotic.  I was orgasmic  at least twice.  I know how to and when to place my finger on my clit to go with that penetration.  But then it was penetration with my clit against his little bit of “fatty tissue” above his penis!  #5 foreplay, kissing my body, facial hair ticking me, caressing my body, it was heaven.  And here is the surprise for you, his penis is 4″ to 4 1/2″ with average thickness of 1 1/2 flat across measurement.  MIND BLOWN!!!

There is something to be said about the over 45 years old introverted gamer geek who has had oodles of time to read, acquire knowledge, and practice…  (Yes, he is happily married with a grown adult child and grandchild.  He has freedom as I do to have relationships on the side.  All I can say is I hope that his wife enjoys all that as much as I did.)

And that is what makes a great lover!

 

 

 

Tail between his legs

Recently, I became involved with a group of people with a community focus to change a few things around here.  I’m talking big changes with big money backing, the philanthropist ideal organization to dump hundreds of thousands of dollars into for the purpose of benefiting the community locally and future community across our state.

I’ve spent a few weeks now researching and drafting legal documents which are all tied to the lead organizers and myself.  I have pulled in well established colleagues of mine in the endeavor.  I have pulled in marketing favors.  Essentially, put my neck on the line vouching for the cause and the ability of these people.

Low and behold, conflict lies behind the shadows I do not see, personal conflicts.  The primary lead organizer is saying he is out as someone is sabotaging his personal life from within the core group.  We are talking about 7 people in all and 1 is apparently a rat.   So, run away from the problem.  Don’t call them out by name, just run away with his tail between his legs.  That’s such a manly move.  Not exactly the character I was hoping for in a leader.

The rest cannot function without leadership, they are all over the map, and the organizational goals will fail without a leader.  I certainly do not have the time to step-up, nor do I really care to take on that level of volunteer work.  I was happy to do my part and play my role.

To think one of the persons I’ve been working with for a few weeks now could sabotage someones personal life gives me pause for concern.  I didn’t sign up for drama, I signed up to lend my expertise in the area for which I am trained and skilled.  I certainly do not need the drama following me.

You think something is going well and then it isn’t.  I think I will bow out now as I have wasted enough time on them.  I do not like conflict.  I do not need to voluntarily enter into conflict.  People suck.

 

Life has challenges and difficulites

I look at life’s challenges with little difficulties.  I have had people tell me they don’t know how I do it.  Honestly, I don’t see anything I’m currently dealing with as difficult or challenging, my life is not hard.  I do deal with out of the ordinary things, autism, gluten intolerance, Celiac disease, hashimotos, crazy pets, insane students, an insane boss, and this is just my life one day at a time.

Once I had a crazy student removed from my classroom.  This was not an easy process.  It took months to have school authorities take me seriously.  And when they finally looked into the situation, I was given a police escort to and from my car on campus, to and from my office to my classroom, and frankly to and from the restroom.   This was an inconvenience for my safety, but not difficult.

Perhaps the more difficult part was actually stepping foot into the class after break.  I did not want to have contact with this student.  Nothing like being told pull your big girl panties up and deal with it by your spouse.   So, that is what I did while following procedures and protocols alerting the administration to the situation week after week.  I couldn’t leave my job just because I was uncomfortable.  I had to fix it.

Everyone has challenges and difficulties, I think some people just think life is an easy button and when it isn’t, their world is falling apart.  It is very true, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.  If we go through life without challenges, we do not have the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of a challenge or difficulty is, I’m searching for what am I supposed to be getting better at.  What is my purpose in my position at work?  Am I supposed to make my mark and leave?  Or am I to tough it out and make it an even better organization, if it will let me?  At what point is it a lost cause?  This is life, and I take it in stride.

I’m tired of complainers.  Sometimes I want to shake them hard and tell them they have no idea what a difficult, challenging, or hard life is.  We have created a society of people who do not take ownership of their mistakes, blame others, and whine at how hard they have it.

A few months ago a family I know began a cancer journey, that is what I call difficult and challenging.  It makes you question, why them?  Why anyone?  The anguish of a child losing the battle of life is heartbreaking.   Why would I even think for a moment my life is difficult?

Ramblings by a tired woman on a Friday evening…

 

 

Enlightened Perspective

No one really wants to admit that they suspect an office affair or at least I didn’t.  There are subtle clues that take place day in and day out in the office, however, the average person probably does not put them together.  I think you have to have had an affair to recognize the subtly.

The playful joke here or there, but really it’s a level of understanding a person on an intimate level.  Personal matters an employee would not normally share with the CEO, he was first to know.   Day “work” trips only the two of them went on for “research & development”.   Private conversations for hours in the CEO’s office daily.  Mood swings between the two of them that seemed like just “moods” in moody people, but now can be tied together.  This man is friends with every upper management employee on Facebook, except her.

The moment caught me off guard.  I was commenting or rather complaining to a friend via chat that everyone had been gone for hours and jokingly wrote “who’s fucking who here?”  And in that moment, I was enlightened.

Since that day, I’ve decided I need a new job.  You see this isn’t a standard office affair among co-workers, it is an affair between the CEO and an incompetent department director.   I work closely with the CEO in my position, I work in the office next door.  I see the impact this relationship is making on the company as a whole.  It’s bringing it down.

The big items indicative of affairs – Yes, he has a separate checking account his wife does not know about.  Yes, he goes to the gym (for brief periods of time) to impress this woman at work.  Yes, he has credit cards not known to his wife.   Do I need to list out more?

This affair will not go away, it will not pass over the CEO.  He cannot move on to others.  He is stuck for the next 18 years and he will employ this woman as long as he is able.  The department director is pregnant.  The CEO knew before anyone, she was confiding in him for months about it.   He wanted to tell me, she was telling him no (I over heard this one day in the hall).  I know for a fact she called him from the hospital before it went on FB, you see, he already knew when I gave him a heads up.

She had a boy friend who she is stating is the father.  But I can’t be sure now.  I’m not sure of anything.  And she is just wicked enough to trail this poor boy along.  I wonder who will be paying child support…

Ever since that moment of enlightenment, I can see the relationship for what it is.  I also can see he’s losing it.  He’s losing the ability to hold it all together.  While I’d love to stick around see how this unfolds, I think I better jump ship while I still can.

 

 

 

Real Health comes from Wealth

Real health comes from wealth and I’m tired of being sick and tired.

You do not receive real health with medical insurance, this much is true, even good insurance like I have.  Paying your western medical doctor to run lab tests and prescribe drugs is a band-aid and the band-aid eventually disappears.  I have suffered from a myriad of symptoms for the last seven years.  I did my own research (that’s what researcher’s do), I requested addition tests as much as my insurance would cover.  I have taken medication and supplements to fight my symptoms.  I felt better for a while, but the band-aid of prescription medicine and prescription supplements was fading after 3 years.  The last 4 years have been a battle, one I am not winning, and one I can no longer fight with the knowledge I possess while my brain fads away more rapidly by the day.

I do not eat a western diet, I do not eat out, I shop for quality in food.  My “clean” diet should have results and yet, I have none. My supplements moved from prescription to non-prescription, but still medical grade that my doctor recommended.  My medication for my primary dysfunction was increased repeatedly over the last 4 years.   I’ve decided enough is enough.

I found an integrative medicine practice near by.  I made an appointment which my insurance does not cover.  I had lab work down that my insurance might cover, but it was cheap enough.  Today, I learned that my lab results are just as bad as when I first sought out help seven years ago.  In fact, I’m worse.  I’m worse because the medication is no longer being used by my body, the supplements might as well be water, and I’m pissing money away by continuing down this path.

Real health comes from Wealth, I say this because money buys what insurance will not.  Additionally, money buys higher quality food; CSAs are not cheap, farm raised live stock purchased and butchered are not cheap, and growing all your own food for the entire family is not possible on a city lot (however, I do grow some).  I already spend a small fortune on food to grow healthy children and frankly it works, my kids are rarely ever sick (knock on wood).  My oldest child is 6’3″ and growing more, he’s only a sophomore in high school.  No one will ever tell me quality food is not worth it, the grocery store is filled with isles of nothing but non-food junk passed off to American’s as food.  Living here is killing me.

The cost of treatment with this integrative medicine doctor’s office is $5000 for 3 months.  Additionally, I can expect to spend $200 in supplements per month.  I don’t really make enough money to support paying $5000 over 3 months.  However, if I don’t support my brain to do my job, I will be out of two jobs and I’ll be out of all my earnings.  My cognitive brain function is impaired and hanging by a thread with what little I do seem to use from my mediation.

I don’t see that I have much of a choice, if I want to be well.  I’ve been on a steady downhill slop since last summer.  I really tried to find help in February and again in April, both times failed.  I have tried for 4 years to help myself and 3 years prior to my diagnosis coping myself and spending hundreds on supplements.  I have done detox diets, supplements to the point my stomach hurt for hours, eaten raw vegan, just vegan, paleo, eliminated everything under the sun, GAPs, Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Soy Free, you name it, I’ve probably done it.

So, I will self pay this doctor the $5000 up front tomorrow.  I will move it to a zero interest credit card and pay on it monthly until it’s gone.  I will give this 3 months and if this fails, I’ll regroup and try something else.

It’s only money, I can’t take it with me when I die.  And at this rate, I’m dying because I’m not living.

The Italian Stud Is A Dud

I have been wasting my time with Andrew.  I’m embarking on month six and have decided I’m pulling back and letting it fizzle gently. I don’t honestly think he is “ready” for an affair, I’ve had my reservations about that from the start.  I think he wants to be, but his actions do not prove he probably will not.  His actions show a turmoil within and I just can’t go down that road. 

We have a good time when we get together, but a lunch out, and a few drinks on a total of 3 occasions (including the first) is not what I call progressing to the next level. Texting does not make a relationship. We talk on the phone about twice a month.  

Our last two meet-ups he canceled or just didn’t cancel. He came by a meeting I was in to tell me he wasn’t feeling well, ok.  And the other he didn’t text to confirm or deny, but knowing this was typical (which is a sure sign of why bother), I went to bed and didn’t wait up.  This last time is the last time, I’m done. 

In a normal course of events, I would have had sex by now to determine if he was a keeper.  Let’s face a fact here, I’m not in this to leave my family; I’m in this for a great sex experience. If it isn’t meeting my goal, then it’s a waste of my time. 

My time is precious. I have to balance it between my home life, work, and any extra curriculars I engage in.  If I give you my time, it means I am giving up time with my family.  

I don’t feel like putting more effort into this man.  There is no reward. At least the only time I’ve sacrificed is minimal. 

It was a nice thought to be involved in an affair again. But the reality is, it didn’t happen and I am not in the mood to make it happen.