ENM Truth and Honesty

by notsoon4gotten

When someone strips away your agency over self and your autonomy for personal gain, the results are a deep hurt because there was a belief that a loving relationship existed. The lesson I learned recently was that the forward communication in the relationship was not full truths, either by accidental omission or on purpose. No matter the why, my ability to make a decision about entering into that intimate relationship was limited. I would not have pursued an intimate polyamorous relationship and would have held the friendship had I had full information. I had a false assumption that friendship meant something, too.

Relationships and communication should not be hard. A person presenting as polyamorous was honestly unaware that they truly are not polyamorous by my definition. I have an understanding of polyamory that there is a desire to be in a loving, connective, communicative, relationship, and within the relationship agency and autonomy are present. I am about 20-years into my polyamorous journey. My expectations might be a little old school. The popularity of polyamory has taken off in recent years leading to an erosion of the term.

Under the umbrella term Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), a spectrum of relationship styles exist. When I met my metamour and realize her version of polyamory is skewed from my own; I accepted it as it is and tabled the discussion. It was not worth the argument in details or was it… The devil is in the details. When I entered the relationship with my now former partner, we will call him Nick, he was involved with 1 other person on and off, we will call her Penny. Penny was Nick’s mentor into polyamory, or at least her version.

When I entered into this relationship, I entered knowing there was Penny. I was informed of other prior partners of various lengths of time from long-term to casual encounters. I was informed about supposedly all STI history of all current and prior partners, and his own recent testing results (although lacking by his doctor’s omission to the reality of a swingers lifestyle). I provided mine. It was during Covid, and it was relatively exclusive due to lockdowns. I had no idea what Nick’s life pre-covid was like to even consider topics that came up in the relationship before we started. What I agreed to was myself, Nick and Nick with Penny; I was aware others may happen. I wrongly assumed I would be involved in a conversation about future partners.

I did not expect that as covid restrictions let up that I had a partner who was desiring more than Penny and myself. I had no idea that he was so much an extrovert that he needed socialization all the time and it was missing from his life. And so as restrictions let up, I found myself at the end of one sided conversations telling me he had plans, he was with so and so, he was spending the weekend away, and honestly, I had to process this part of him. It was rather unexpected on my part. I think it is realistic in a polyamorous relationship to consider each person involved when engaging in more relationships and this was not happening.

As I thought about Nick and how he operated in a free way, I realized he was definitely a solo polyamory type, recent events lead more towards swinger. He needed a connection, but that just means he is demi, maybe demi swinger is a new term. I can accept adding more partners. I can learn to deal with my feelings about less time and my feelings about the differences in our relationships and what we do in them. I had a lingering feeling that was still bothering me so much, it took more time to dissect.

I began to feel unsafe in the relationship regarding STIs. In my polyamorous relationships, I believe I have a right to be informed about additional sexual encounters and dates, before hand. If I am to maintain my agency over self and my autonomy, I need full information about who my partner is engaging with. When I expressed my concerns about my safety, I was not heard. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Always followed with I get tested, I’m negative. Trying to explain there is a time laps between exposures and positives was futile. At the time, I accepted what was the response but was worried. In time I realized this was not an apology, it was not an open door to express development of a relationship.

The conversations where I discussed STIs and partners was the beginning of the break down of our relationship. I am one who expresses a concern once, maybe twice. If the conversation does not open a door to actually addressing the concern, I cannot force my will on an individual. I felt unsafe being sexually intimate, avoiding Nick was necessary while I thought about the dynamics. As relationships are complicated by other parties, I continued to try and open the door for communication on this matter. As human nature drives our bodily desires, I was intimate a handful of times while feeling unsafe over a 3 month period. If I had left the relationship when my concerns were not addressed, we might still be friends; but that possibility was destroyed.

Nick decided to pursue a “new” relationship, we will call her Amy. I knew she existed, I knew they had talked about being intimate, but I was not informed that they had already been until recently. He was so excited for her return visit a chance to be alone and intimate, I stepped back further to allow him his NRE as did Penny when Nick and I started our relationship. Nick fell hard and needed support when she left, I went over to comfort him. I did not ask about her STI status, at this point I trusted him, and felt he was keeping safety in mind as I had expressed my concerns.

Amy came to visit again from out of town. I did not get the discussion of how things went or how he was feeling, I assume they had a good weekend. Nick and I go out for our regular after trip to the store, this time it was super crowded, as we are entering the store I am told about her STI status. It is a positive status for an incurable STI. Again apologies, apologies for not telling me sooner; the STI had come up doing the weekend visit and he remembered. Nick told me this while walking into a crowded store, talk about inappropriate timing. I had to tell Nick that our intimate relationship cannot continue with the information presented. He understood and was disappointed I felt that way. I cannot continue in an intimate relationship with someone who is exposing themselves to a life-long incurable STI that is transmittable without symptoms, where viral load varies from day to day. If it had been left at that, we might still be friends. And I would not be hurting so badly.

What was revealed next shook me to my core, my body felt like I was kicked in the stomach. The revelation was he knew before we entered the relationship, he had been with Amy a handful of times before, and failed to tell me then and he apologizes. He failed to tell me over the course of our entire relationship. Did he have to tell me this? Did he tell me this to get rid of me? Did he tell me this to hurt me more? This information took the end of the relationship to the end of what I thought was a friendship. He was negative every time he tested and so was I; but he put my health at risk and the health of my husband, not to mention the health of at least 4 other women. Why he failed to mention this I can only imagine was either legit forgot or a means to have me. And the why, doesn’t make the feelings go way that I was lied too, used, and discarded as a person.

Under the guise ENM, we have individuals who are operating in the most unethical way possible, not disclosing STI statuses. I don’t care what type of relationship someone is in, if it is sexual in nature, STI status is required. Recent internet reading on the topic tells me that even ENM persons are operating in a risky space with lack of education, awareness, and disregard. There is a failure of ENM to know what fluid exchange is and what fluid bond means, there are a variety of types of sex and ENM conversations I read tell me they are ignorant to STIs transmissions outside of missionary sex, a condom is not a guarantee to the STI brought into my relationship.

There are so many ENM failures experienced in this relationship with Nick. I never expected a relationship with someone who has been to ENM polyamory workshops, education on relationships would have turned out so poorly. I’m struggling with the fact Nick did not think about his actions and how they would affect his “polyamorous” relationships. Knowing we discussed my limits on STIs and safety from before we ever were intimate, means he willfully disregarded my limits. No discussions, means to me our relationship was expendable; I was expendable. He operates in a world where it appears to be a disregard of others and using “polyamory” to get all he can for himself, a bubble of 1; a swinger. I really don’t understand how Nick can make a conscious decision to be intimate with Amy given his health issues; but he didn’t ask me, he told me that is what he was doing.

I can’t decide which hurts my feelings more, being lied to or knowing I was expendable. I was not worth the effort to communicate with. Pretty shitty way to end things.