Polyamorous Relationships – the Troubled Heart

When someone is relatively new to polyamory, the ability to understand their own emotions or even see them is not always there. Often times a person thinks they have all the pieces together and then an emotion crops up strong and behaviors occur without thought. The emotions that we feel as human beings are often times automatic behavioral responses, learned or simply unconsciously happen.

Most people have a tendency to push back one relationship for another; polyamorous or not. In monogamous terms, it’s “serial monogamy”; let one go for a new one. In polyamory, this happens, but the idea is to not let one go; if you truly love that person. It’s easy to say you are polyamorous when your partners are really good friends whom you love. The true test of understanding if you really are polyamory, in my opinion, is the ability to maintain multiple relationships when one or more persons whom you have become deeply, intimately with, and have compassionate love of one another. Compersion is easy when you love someone, but maintaining the polyamorous relationship is much harder when the love you have is so deep it hurts.

It was clear to me that my partner “fell hard” for his new partner, more than just NRE. It was an intensity that he was not able to communicate in words, his behavior was what told me he fell hard. Stepping back to let him have this NRE was out of my love for him. I did not see the move as me pushing away, I was just so happy that he was having a great time. I smile even now thinking about that.

Hindsight is 20/20 on clarity, I journaled our relationship’s turbulence. I felt that I was being pushed back for a number of months. It is so clear that he was pushing me away for months. Whether or not he was aware of his behavior change, I do not know. Sadly, about two weeks after his new partner came to visit, I was met with a different personality, one that was harsh and abrasive towards me. The “I love you’s” stopped, I knew then my partner was struggling with the new relationship and our relationship.

In the end, communication was lacking. The emotional abandonment I felt for months, pushed me away.

I’m sorry really does make a difference

“I am sorry”, three very small words by themselves. They do have real impact when coming from sincerity. I apologize is insincere, I apologize is a platitude of a response.

“I apologize I did not tell you” is not acknowledging that action caused emotional suffrage.

“I am sorry I hurt you” acknowledges the action and takes ownership of the action causing emotional pain to another.

And with I’m sorry I hurt you, I have closure. It does not excuse the inexcusable, but it does validate and acknowledge that those actions had a profoundly hurtful impact on me.

An apology verses I am sorry

“Todays conversation should’ve occurred all the way back at our first meeting because at that point I was already active with her. There’s no excuses for me not having it and for that I apologize and I understand an apology doesn’t fix it.”

Saying that you apologize for an action or behavior is very different than saying, “I am sorry I hurt you.”

The apology lacks an understanding that the action had consequences. You robbed me of my agency, violated my trust, and violated the most fundamental ENM disclosures. I won’t even call this polyamory anymore.

In a ENM relationship, withholding other partner’s STI status is endangering me without my knowledge or consent, my agency. The behavior is inexcusable and akin to assault.

For context of my blog readers, the “active with her” is in reference to being sexually active with a person who carries an STI. After a face to face conversation with my now former partner, this portion of a text was a pivotal moment of absolute shock. There was no additional communication after this, what is there to say that would make a difference? I alone have to process and come to my own terms with this information. I am very angry. The STI status was known and the relationship was on going and it was not disclosed at the beginning of our relationship. I am shook to my core, we had discussed at length and for a bit of time the risks, my limits, and I made a decision based on partial information.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

“You are everything she has always wanted.” My dearest friend and former lover knew my desires and saw many of those desires in you. He wanted you to know you were the man he couldn’t be.

As a lover of languages, “tu me manques” is the French equivalent for I miss you; but the literal translation is you are missing from me.

Someone actually has to be a part of you to be able to say they are missing from you. You were never a part of me or my life as I would have liked. I was never a part of your life in ways that would make me missing from you.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you.