Polyamorous Relationships – the Troubled Heart

by notsoon4gotten

When someone is relatively new to polyamory, the ability to understand their own emotions or even see them is not always there. Often times a person thinks they have all the pieces together and then an emotion crops up strong and behaviors occur without thought. The emotions that we feel as human beings are often times automatic behavioral responses, learned or simply unconsciously happen.

Most people have a tendency to push back one relationship for another; polyamorous or not. In monogamous terms, it’s “serial monogamy”; let one go for a new one. In polyamory, this happens, but the idea is to not let one go; if you truly love that person. It’s easy to say you are polyamorous when your partners are really good friends whom you love. The true test of understanding if you really are polyamory, in my opinion, is the ability to maintain multiple relationships when one or more persons whom you have become deeply, intimately with, and have compassionate love of one another. Compersion is easy when you love someone, but maintaining the polyamorous relationship is much harder when the love you have is so deep it hurts.

It was clear to me that my partner “fell hard” for his new partner, more than just NRE. It was an intensity that he was not able to communicate in words, his behavior was what told me he fell hard. Stepping back to let him have this NRE was out of my love for him. I did not see the move as me pushing away, I was just so happy that he was having a great time. I smile even now thinking about that.

Hindsight is 20/20 on clarity, I journaled our relationship’s turbulence. I felt that I was being pushed back for a number of months. It is so clear that he was pushing me away for months. Whether or not he was aware of his behavior change, I do not know. Sadly, about two weeks after his new partner came to visit, I was met with a different personality, one that was harsh and abrasive towards me. The “I love you’s” stopped, I knew then my partner was struggling with the new relationship and our relationship.

In the end, communication was lacking. The emotional abandonment I felt for months, pushed me away.