Exploring Jane – letting go of fears

Lady Jane is an evolving process. It is my belief that the human spirit is continuing to evolve until death, therefore, I must explore the life I am living and the choices I am making. My goals are to retain my autonomy and my agency in all of my explorations, that does not mean I won’t explore, it means I will within the structure of consent. As part of the evolving Jane, there is exploration of new experiences to be had.

I have said no in the past to exploring experiences outside of my known comfort level. As human nature is, the element of fear is what holds me back. Fear of what exactly? Fear of rearing up passed traumas, fear of something repressed entering into my head space, at the very forefront is a fear of the unknown. I am willing to face my fears, rational or irrational, in order to explore new experiences.

Jane is entering into new spaces with new people with caution, fighting the urge to simply crawl under a rock. I am not happy with myself when I chose to crawl under the rock, I do this often and generally have some regrets about missed opportunities. I am an introverted extrovert, it’s weird. I want to be social, I want to engage with people, but at the same time it is exhausting. I prefer a close group of known persons, to chill and hang out with; but I need to meet people to find the right people.

I cannot explore new experiences without at least being a fly on the wall. The facts are that in the communities of kink that I am associated with there is always consent. There should not be fear of meeting new people, having new experiences, and engaging with the world around me. No one will force me to participate, no one will chastise me for watching, no one will harm me in my being present at new experiences.

Jane is letting go of fears to explore uncharted territories. Fears will still be there, causing some anxious feelings, that is my human nature.

Great Lovers, Part Deux

There are people who enter into our lives whom we connect with for not particular reason. Our paths came together by chance, separated by life events, and have purposely come together again. I wrote about this one before, Great Lovers, its a solid read, go read it.

It has been 3 plus years since we have been able to schedule time together. And he did not disappoint, he was just as good as I remembered. We had a fucking fantastic weekend. I could end it there and maybe I will.

Creative Destruction – Polyamory

9/18/2021

In business, we have several theories about business growth. These include change management, the popular term “pivot”, and a lesser used but powerful term “creative destruction”. The theory goes that what is right now must be torn down to create something new.

The polyamory relationship type is largely a creative deconstruction of monogamy. The individuals who are engaging in polyamorous relationships are at odds with societal conditioning to monogamy through the Judeo-Christian tradition. There is a battle within individuals of knowing who you are, polyamorous, but not having a model to guide you. It’s knowing in your head what you want, but not being able to put a concrete foundation underneath it. And there is the fear that you will be ridiculed, ostracized, and belittled for coming out as polyamorous.

There is a misconception that polyamorous is equal to swingers, and promiscuity. Polyamorous falls under the more board umbrella of ethical non-monogamy which would include swingers, and other relationships as defined by the people engaged in them. Labels are not well defined in this “new” space of ethical non-monogamy. Poly meaning many and amorous meaning love, is “many loves”. Typically, a person who is polyamorous is engaged in a meaningful relationship with multiple people. There is an openness which must be expressed in polyamorous relationships; but each individual or group of individuals is free to decide what works for them.

There are many blogs about types of polyamory, there are arguments for and against hierarchy being defined in a relationship. If you place restrictions on love, is it really allowed to be a free relationship? There is no one set model to follow, it’s really this creative destruction of monogamy to fit what individuals communicate as their needs. The people in a polyamorous relationship may or may not be involved with one another. The common misconception is the triad, triangle is what polyamory looks like. The W relationships are more likely successful than a full triad, according to some researchers. The other misconception is that the meaningful relationship of polyamory may or may not include sexual activities.

Societies built upon Judeo-Christian values condition children from birth to accept that there is a man and a woman, they get married, have children, and live happily ever after. This is slowing changing to allow for the conditioning of homosexual relationships, but still within the confines of monogamy. The Mormons were ostracized for believing the man could have more than one wife, moving further and further west until they settled in Utah which then was forced to enforce marriage as a 1 man and 1 woman in order to gain statehood. Of course, the media typically shows us the worse of religion sects with multiple wives, the cults are featured for their rating appeal.

I love to hear my husband defend the case for multiple wives Biblically. We are not Mormon, we are simply Christian. The case for 1 woman as a wife is only mentioned when Paul speaks about elders and that elders duties to the church would create a household burden if an elder took more than 1 wife. There is no mention any other time that limits the number of wives for anyone else. Weird? So, why are western societies so against plural marriage?

Recent political outrage with Roe v Wade has brought up so many things wrong with our society, but I will address just one here as it pertains to pluralness. The fundamentalist of Christian evangelicals want babies to build their army for God, but not once have I heard them say, “hey, let me get another wife”. No where in the Bible does it prevent them from doing so…

Monogamy and divorce brings up “serial monogamy”. The average number of marriages is 3 for divorced persons. Each relationship is a monogamous union for a time period, then it goes south, leading to another divorce. It brings forth the question: are human beings monogamous or is monogamy forced by the societies’ indoctrination by religion? For heterosexual and homosexual couples,(and other persons identifying as something else) where only 2 are involved, researchers see serial dating and serial marriages. Researchers have coined the term “serial monogamy” to express that people are perhaps not as monogamous as they think they are. People will be monogamous for a time period with one person and move on. Divorce rates are very high in the US, 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages. Although, anecdotally I see more couples in their 3rd marriages staying.

While it is easier for some people to think about plural relationships as 1 man and more than 1 woman; it seems harder for people to think about 1 woman and more than 1 man. The term slut comes up for the woman, but rarely is the man deemed so. It also seems easier for monogamous people to conceptually accept homosexual triads over heterosexual or bisexual polycules. Even non-religious monogamous people are opposed to polyamorous relationships, the foundations of our morals and ethics are deeply rooted in the Puritan beliefs.

If we look around at relationships known or partly known, we might actually see the secret lives, the affairs. I think affairs, in many cases are actually people who just don’t understand polyamory exist. “I love my spouse, but…” It is a very common phrase in the affair dating scene. Very few men wanted to leave their wives, nor did I want to leave my husband. I knew I was polyamorous when I first read the term online in 2008. It fit and it was a solid explanation for my teen years. It was easier to find an affair seeking partner than a polyamorous partner, I speak from experience on that one as we just did not have the access to information like we do today. As our societal vocabulary changes, people begin to understand the world differently. The word partner for example does have a connotation of a relationship outside of the traditional boyfriend, girlfriend type vocabulary words.

I do think many polyamorous partners exist, however, in relative secrecy. Society does not as a whole accept multiple partners in any types of relationships. There are risks to one’s job or income making capabilities, if their alternative lifestyle became public. There are a lucky few who work in places of acceptance and tolerance, but even then, it’s risky. It is a freeing experience to live our polyamorous lives in public, but not expressing the relationship explicitly, no PDAs. I go places with my partner in my town. I go places with my husband. I have yet to see anyone I know, nor do I feel the need to explain.

The younger generations, like my daughter, they want to live their lives as they see fit. They don’t care about societal norms. I envy them and let her develop her friendships as she feels the need to. I’d say she is poly bi, but maybe Demi sexual is a better term or pan sexual, there are so many to chose from.

Perfectly living my joy, or not

A quote came across my desk, “You owe it to yourself to stop overthinking about what could happen and start enjoying what does happen.” My immediate response was, “that is what got me into this mess.”

I took the motto some time ago to not worry and enjoy the moments in life. There have been some great moments out of this, I live my joy daily, most of the time. In my career, I jumped in feet first, fought the battle of overthinking, and daily live my joy in my career. However, I’m either treading water or drowning in the requirements to keep my dream from slipping away or so I feel.

I cautiously entered into a relationship with the motto, don’t overthink this, just enjoy the moments while they last. It was fun and exciting, the too short-lived fun came to an abrupt end with a painful sense of I meant nothing and was played. It ruined the memories of fun times.

So, when I say “this is what got me into this mess”, had I taken the time overthinking life choices, I might not be in this mess; I also might not be in the place where I belong, where I call home with experiences to guide my future.

Turmoil

Turmoil of the heart and the brain.

Longing for your warm embrace,

fighting the emotional suffering.

Longing for your touch,

fighting the emotional pain.

Longing for you back in my life,

knowing I can’t allow that to happen.

Remembering the feeling of being an after thought,

emotional pain and suffering you caused.

Fighting the longing to be embraced,

fighting the longing to be touched;

My brains screams no. My heart screams please.

Polyamorous Relationships – the Troubled Heart

When someone is relatively new to polyamory, the ability to understand their own emotions or even see them is not always there. Often times a person thinks they have all the pieces together and then an emotion crops up strong and behaviors occur without thought. The emotions that we feel as human beings are often times automatic behavioral responses, learned or simply unconsciously happen.

Most people have a tendency to push back one relationship for another; polyamorous or not. In monogamous terms, it’s “serial monogamy”; let one go for a new one. In polyamory, this happens, but the idea is to not let one go; if you truly love that person. It’s easy to say you are polyamorous when your partners are really good friends whom you love. The true test of understanding if you really are polyamory, in my opinion, is the ability to maintain multiple relationships when one or more persons whom you have become deeply, intimately with, and have compassionate love of one another. Compersion is easy when you love someone, but maintaining the polyamorous relationship is much harder when the love you have is so deep it hurts.

It was clear to me that my partner “fell hard” for his new partner, more than just NRE. It was an intensity that he was not able to communicate in words, his behavior was what told me he fell hard. Stepping back to let him have this NRE was out of my love for him. I did not see the move as me pushing away, I was just so happy that he was having a great time. I smile even now thinking about that.

Hindsight is 20/20 on clarity, I journaled our relationship’s turbulence. I felt that I was being pushed back for a number of months. It is so clear that he was pushing me away for months. Whether or not he was aware of his behavior change, I do not know. Sadly, about two weeks after his new partner came to visit, I was met with a different personality, one that was harsh and abrasive towards me. The “I love you’s” stopped, I knew then my partner was struggling with the new relationship and our relationship.

In the end, communication was lacking. The emotional abandonment I felt for months, pushed me away.

I’m sorry really does make a difference

“I am sorry”, three very small words by themselves. They do have real impact when coming from sincerity. I apologize is insincere, I apologize is a platitude of a response.

“I apologize I did not tell you” is not acknowledging that action caused emotional suffrage.

“I am sorry I hurt you” acknowledges the action and takes ownership of the action causing emotional pain to another.

And with I’m sorry I hurt you, I have closure. It does not excuse the inexcusable, but it does validate and acknowledge that those actions had a profoundly hurtful impact on me.

An apology verses I am sorry

“Todays conversation should’ve occurred all the way back at our first meeting because at that point I was already active with her. There’s no excuses for me not having it and for that I apologize and I understand an apology doesn’t fix it.”

Saying that you apologize for an action or behavior is very different than saying, “I am sorry I hurt you.”

The apology lacks an understanding that the action had consequences. You robbed me of my agency, violated my trust, and violated the most fundamental ENM disclosures. I won’t even call this polyamory anymore.

In a ENM relationship, withholding other partner’s STI status is endangering me without my knowledge or consent, my agency. The behavior is inexcusable and akin to assault.

For context of my blog readers, the “active with her” is in reference to being sexually active with a person who carries an STI. After a face to face conversation with my now former partner, this portion of a text was a pivotal moment of absolute shock. There was no additional communication after this, what is there to say that would make a difference? I alone have to process and come to my own terms with this information. I am very angry. The STI status was known and the relationship was on going and it was not disclosed at the beginning of our relationship. I am shook to my core, we had discussed at length and for a bit of time the risks, my limits, and I made a decision based on partial information.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

“You are everything she has always wanted.” My dearest friend and former lover knew my desires and saw many of those desires in you. He wanted you to know you were the man he couldn’t be.

As a lover of languages, “tu me manques” is the French equivalent for I miss you; but the literal translation is you are missing from me.

Someone actually has to be a part of you to be able to say they are missing from you. You were never a part of me or my life as I would have liked. I was never a part of your life in ways that would make me missing from you.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you.

ENM Truth and Honesty

When someone strips away your agency over self and your autonomy for personal gain, the results are a deep hurt because there was a belief that a loving relationship existed. The lesson I learned recently was that the forward communication in the relationship was not full truths, either by accidental omission or on purpose. No matter the why, my ability to make a decision about entering into that intimate relationship was limited. I would not have pursued an intimate polyamorous relationship and would have held the friendship had I had full information. I had a false assumption that friendship meant something, too.

Relationships and communication should not be hard. A person presenting as polyamorous was honestly unaware that they truly are not polyamorous by my definition. I have an understanding of polyamory that there is a desire to be in a loving, connective, communicative, relationship, and within the relationship agency and autonomy are present. I am about 20-years into my polyamorous journey. My expectations might be a little old school. The popularity of polyamory has taken off in recent years leading to an erosion of the term.

Under the umbrella term Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), a spectrum of relationship styles exist. When I met my metamour and realize her version of polyamory is skewed from my own; I accepted it as it is and tabled the discussion. It was not worth the argument in details or was it… The devil is in the details. When I entered the relationship with my now former partner, we will call him Nick, he was involved with 1 other person on and off, we will call her Penny. Penny was Nick’s mentor into polyamory, or at least her version.

When I entered into this relationship, I entered knowing there was Penny. I was informed of other prior partners of various lengths of time from long-term to casual encounters. I was informed about supposedly all STI history of all current and prior partners, and his own recent testing results (although lacking by his doctor’s omission to the reality of a swingers lifestyle). I provided mine. It was during Covid, and it was relatively exclusive due to lockdowns. I had no idea what Nick’s life pre-covid was like to even consider topics that came up in the relationship before we started. What I agreed to was myself, Nick and Nick with Penny; I was aware others may happen. I wrongly assumed I would be involved in a conversation about future partners.

I did not expect that as covid restrictions let up that I had a partner who was desiring more than Penny and myself. I had no idea that he was so much an extrovert that he needed socialization all the time and it was missing from his life. And so as restrictions let up, I found myself at the end of one sided conversations telling me he had plans, he was with so and so, he was spending the weekend away, and honestly, I had to process this part of him. It was rather unexpected on my part. I think it is realistic in a polyamorous relationship to consider each person involved when engaging in more relationships and this was not happening.

As I thought about Nick and how he operated in a free way, I realized he was definitely a solo polyamory type, recent events lead more towards swinger. He needed a connection, but that just means he is demi, maybe demi swinger is a new term. I can accept adding more partners. I can learn to deal with my feelings about less time and my feelings about the differences in our relationships and what we do in them. I had a lingering feeling that was still bothering me so much, it took more time to dissect.

I began to feel unsafe in the relationship regarding STIs. In my polyamorous relationships, I believe I have a right to be informed about additional sexual encounters and dates, before hand. If I am to maintain my agency over self and my autonomy, I need full information about who my partner is engaging with. When I expressed my concerns about my safety, I was not heard. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Always followed with I get tested, I’m negative. Trying to explain there is a time laps between exposures and positives was futile. At the time, I accepted what was the response but was worried. In time I realized this was not an apology, it was not an open door to express development of a relationship.

The conversations where I discussed STIs and partners was the beginning of the break down of our relationship. I am one who expresses a concern once, maybe twice. If the conversation does not open a door to actually addressing the concern, I cannot force my will on an individual. I felt unsafe being sexually intimate, avoiding Nick was necessary while I thought about the dynamics. As relationships are complicated by other parties, I continued to try and open the door for communication on this matter. As human nature drives our bodily desires, I was intimate a handful of times while feeling unsafe over a 3 month period. If I had left the relationship when my concerns were not addressed, we might still be friends; but that possibility was destroyed.

Nick decided to pursue a “new” relationship, we will call her Amy. I knew she existed, I knew they had talked about being intimate, but I was not informed that they had already been until recently. He was so excited for her return visit a chance to be alone and intimate, I stepped back further to allow him his NRE as did Penny when Nick and I started our relationship. Nick fell hard and needed support when she left, I went over to comfort him. I did not ask about her STI status, at this point I trusted him, and felt he was keeping safety in mind as I had expressed my concerns.

Amy came to visit again from out of town. I did not get the discussion of how things went or how he was feeling, I assume they had a good weekend. Nick and I go out for our regular after trip to the store, this time it was super crowded, as we are entering the store I am told about her STI status. It is a positive status for an incurable STI. Again apologies, apologies for not telling me sooner; the STI had come up doing the weekend visit and he remembered. Nick told me this while walking into a crowded store, talk about inappropriate timing. I had to tell Nick that our intimate relationship cannot continue with the information presented. He understood and was disappointed I felt that way. I cannot continue in an intimate relationship with someone who is exposing themselves to a life-long incurable STI that is transmittable without symptoms, where viral load varies from day to day. If it had been left at that, we might still be friends. And I would not be hurting so badly.

What was revealed next shook me to my core, my body felt like I was kicked in the stomach. The revelation was he knew before we entered the relationship, he had been with Amy a handful of times before, and failed to tell me then and he apologizes. He failed to tell me over the course of our entire relationship. Did he have to tell me this? Did he tell me this to get rid of me? Did he tell me this to hurt me more? This information took the end of the relationship to the end of what I thought was a friendship. He was negative every time he tested and so was I; but he put my health at risk and the health of my husband, not to mention the health of at least 4 other women. Why he failed to mention this I can only imagine was either legit forgot or a means to have me. And the why, doesn’t make the feelings go way that I was lied too, used, and discarded as a person.

Under the guise ENM, we have individuals who are operating in the most unethical way possible, not disclosing STI statuses. I don’t care what type of relationship someone is in, if it is sexual in nature, STI status is required. Recent internet reading on the topic tells me that even ENM persons are operating in a risky space with lack of education, awareness, and disregard. There is a failure of ENM to know what fluid exchange is and what fluid bond means, there are a variety of types of sex and ENM conversations I read tell me they are ignorant to STIs transmissions outside of missionary sex, a condom is not a guarantee to the STI brought into my relationship.

There are so many ENM failures experienced in this relationship with Nick. I never expected a relationship with someone who has been to ENM polyamory workshops, education on relationships would have turned out so poorly. I’m struggling with the fact Nick did not think about his actions and how they would affect his “polyamorous” relationships. Knowing we discussed my limits on STIs and safety from before we ever were intimate, means he willfully disregarded my limits. No discussions, means to me our relationship was expendable; I was expendable. He operates in a world where it appears to be a disregard of others and using “polyamory” to get all he can for himself, a bubble of 1; a swinger. I really don’t understand how Nick can make a conscious decision to be intimate with Amy given his health issues; but he didn’t ask me, he told me that is what he was doing.

I can’t decide which hurts my feelings more, being lied to or knowing I was expendable. I was not worth the effort to communicate with. Pretty shitty way to end things.